Just Blogging

I'm in the mood to blog. Lately life has had its ups & downs, more downs than ups I gotta say. Over the past few months I have become bitter towards life. I've just become not positive. I don't know why. I just feel stuck in this place called earth and I really just want to be in Heaven. I feel so wrapped up in this life of feeling like a hypocrite. People have this idea of me that I'm this happy go lucky "unicorns and rainbows" personality, but that isn't all me. I have my days where I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there and lately I've found myself cursing, not just at the haunted house, but when I’m by myself in the car and I'm so mad, I curse. Crazy I know those who know me are like what??? But guess what? I'm human with lots of faults. I'm just so sick of pretending to be happy all the time. I'm so sick of pretending that my life is so great, don't get me wrong, I love my life and the memories I've shared, but right now it just feels so not worth it. It seems like everywhere I turn lately I see a happy couple, family or hear great news about my friends being pregnant for the second time, not just their first ones now but the second. I see younger people getting married and starting families. I see elderly couples still holding hands and I'm so jealous it sucks, and therefore I've become really bitter toward love. When a love song comes on the radio, I turn it. When they talk about marriage at church I find myself rolling my eyes and saying to God, "Not again, Lord. Don't they know not everyone is married." I know it is families that keep churches going, but I get so sick and tired of hearing how you can make your marriage better. I want to know what my life is about. I want to know why I'm still waiting. I want to know why I feel so alone. I think last night was the last straw. I was sitting there watching the Cardinals win the game to put them in the World Series by myself for the 3rd time (04,06 &11). THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that's why I don't care if they win or lose is because I know I'll be probably watching the games by myself and again THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing like wanting to jump and down and go crazy and then you realize you are alone.

I don't want to be so bitter. I know how great life is with God in the center and I'm trying so hard to focus my heart on him, but right now He doesn't feel very close to me. I think it's because I'm a little mad at him. I love Him, but I'm mad at him. I never thought I would be at this place in my life. I just want to feel!!!! I want to feel Him so close to me it makes me smile! I want to feel!!! I found myself reading and reading and reading more of his words, and its funny when the words scream off of the pages at me. I love that so I know God is still talking to me and reassuring me He loves me. I know this. Which is why I'm writing this. I will love him through this waiting period. I will love him when I'm so mad with tears rolling down my eyes and I'm screaming WHY??? I will love him when I'm alone watching a comedy on TV and watching the baseball games. I will love Him no matter what happens. He is in control. He is the reason I wake up every morning. He is the reason I pick up my camera. He is the reason I have a two jobs. He has given me so much to be thankful for and I hate that I’m so jealous of those who have what I think I want. I hate being jealous. It is not a fun feeling and just wrong. God says to not covet and yet here I am writing about how I am. But I feel like I have to be honest with myself. I have to write it on paper and get it out there. I have to look myself in the mirror in the morning and ask for forgiveness. I have to remind myself that God loves me and does have a plan for me.

I have watched myself grow into this woman who someday I love, but someday I want to strangle her because she can be so much better. I go through a lot of the same emotions over and over again and I want to break that habit. I want to be set free. I want to be the woman I love. I want to be the woman that will someday her husband will be proud of. I want to be the woman who loves Christ so much that the world will know who is the center of her universe. I want to be happy! I want to feel! I want to be set free.

Lord, free my soul of all this bitterness that I have. Free my soul of all this jealousy that I have built up in my heart. Free my soul!! I love you, Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

????

Wow! Life has been so messed up lately. The one thing I want in the world is for Jesus to be enough, but I keep struggling with these thoughts...I don't deserve him, I need a guy to make me happy, I want my friends to care. This whole dumb culture mainly facebook world which is why I am trying to not be on it as much and give it up because it makes me feel so inadequate. Everyone on there seems to be getting married, going to school, getting new jobs, watching their kids grow up, having great husbands/wifes, having their second child, and life seems to be going for them, while I am well...nothing. I feel so alone. God why do I always feel alone? more importantly why have you made me alone. Why can't YOU be enough? Why does my body long for more? Why is my life so empty? Lord, please fill me the way I know you can. SHOW ME!!! Embrace me and show me your love. Please Lord!! I trust in you!

Well...

This month was a whirlwind, and one I hope to never forget. In this past month I've learned a lot about who I am and how God really does listen and answer prayers. I will always be thankful for this month, God brought this wonderful man into my life and even though I don't know if I will see or hear from him again, I will always be thankful for the moments. God has blessed me in so many ways. I have been wondering lately why God places people into our lives. Some are only for a moment, some stay for awhile and then some stay forever. I guess we can't take for granted those moments because it is in those moments where God says, How are you going to shine for me? I know that I fail in these moments a lot, but I pray everyday that God will use me in the best way He can! I struggle with a lot of doubt and fear when new people come into my life. I guess its because throughout my years, many have come into my life and left and broke my heart and so I put this guard up. I don't want to get hurt so I shut down and many say its like pulling teeth to get me to talk about my feelings, and I would have to agree. It was a great feeling to actually open up to someone and share my feelings. I think I've always thought my feeling are petty compared to what is in the real world, but I've learned yea, they might be petty but they are my feelings and I should share them. There are people out there who do really care and love me for who I am.

Lord, thank you so much for everything! I thank you for giving me the stepping blocks into this thing called dating and eyes to see you working in my life. You are all around me! You used your beauty to show me that you have me in your arms and that things will be ok. I thank you for the butterfly that flew around telling me it's ok to take a risk. I love you, Lord with everything that is in me and I pray for the people in my life who need you now more than ever! You are always there sharing with us your strength and courage. Thanks!

REBUILD

If anyone reads this you know by now that it takes me time to process through my thoughts and then write them down. Three weeks ago The Exchange group from Church went down to Joplin to help with the clean up after the tornado. We had no idea that in those 3 days our lives would forever be changed. The images that I posted on here are only a few that will forever be stitched into our hearts. I will never forget driving up over this hill and seeing miles and miles of mass destruction that only took 45 seconds to destroy. It brings tears to my eyes to know that those people lives are forever changed. I know God doesn't promise life to be easy and I know that He has a plan and He is sovereign, but I still wonder why He had to use this tornado. But he does have a purpose and a plan and someday we will find out what that is. It is all for His will!! This we know to be true. The night before we arrived the church that we stayed at had a bonfire and it was at this bonfire that Christ placed a woman from Arizona to bring one the volunteers the greatest gift of all...Jesus Christ. Jason was saved that night and forever he would be the son of the greatest father!

The next day we all loaded up the trucks and headed out to a farm that was destroyed by its own tornado. When I saw this house it brought back so many memories of what it was like to lose our homes in fires. This wonderful couple lost everything, but they were still smiling. When one of the volunteers shared Jason's story with the husband he said words that put things in perspective. He said, "If one person was saved from this whole ordeal, then it was worth losing everything." This is a guy who just lost everything and He knows what life is really about. It is not about stuff, the drama of everyday life, it is not who you socialize with, it is not about job status, it is not about where you go to church, it is not about marital status. It is about one person...JESUS CHRIST!! It is about our relationship with him and how we take that relationship and place it into our everyday life and drama! It is the reason that Joplin will REBUILD. and they will rebuild. They have so much strength in that town.

I know my life will forever be changed by my experience in Joplin. We are headed back at the end of July if anyone would love to join us.

Spending Time With God!

I haven't done this in so long!! Blog time!

Ok this is a strange blog. I'm at work and I just walked out of the bathroom and realized something. God really loves to talk to me in the bathroom. Crazy, but true. I think He chooses that place because there are no distractions in there. It is just me and my thoughts, and God is probably like "Now is a good time to talk to her, she's listening" Today He reminded me "He has everything under control." It's amazing how many times I have to be reminded of that throughout the day.

It's funny how God chooses to show up in the craziest places. This past couple of weeks have been crazy with earthquakes and tsunamis. I wonder why He choose that day to change the lives of millions. But God does have a reason, and someday we will find out that reason. Lately I've been dealing with the question of why God chooses people to give cancer or other diseases to. I wish that He would answer that question. But I know He has it all under control and He always has a plan. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. Please if you are reading this please keep two very special people in your prayers. They have been through so much and only God can get them through the next part of their lives.

Through everything we go through have you ever noticed that you will always come back to the faith? I was just listening to a sermon that dealt with this thought. I know when I'm screaming or yelling out to the Lord, usually a few minutes or a couple of days later I always know that God is there or else who would I be talking to? I know He is there through the small moments (mainly when I'm finally quiet) I feel his presence and I can hear him speaking sometimes, most of the time it's just a reminder telling me, "I love you Michelle." But that reminder gets me through the days. If you really do listen you can hear it to, and it's such a glorious freedom knowing that whatever happens, not matter what you do or have done, there is a God who is up in Heaven just waiting to tell you He loves you!

God's Promises! :)

I woke up this morning in the mood to write and didn't think I would have time to but because Brenden wants to sleep in some more I got some time so I'm taking advantage of it!

Have you ever really wondered about God's plan? How it seems so messed up and insane! I was just reading Psalm 105 and it illistrates an outline of how God used Jacob and then Joseph and then Moses and how it came full circle to reveal God's plan. He used these men in powerful situations and for one purpose... To show His greatness and what He can do when we truly believe. He uses Joseph to help save many lives. He uses Moses to rescue the people fro Egypt. Now put yourself in their shoes for a moment...

WOW Scary emotions were probably running through them the whole time. They had the world telling them that they were worthless and couldn't do it. But God, well we all know He had a different plan. He uses these weak men to show His wonderful story of love and trust. If we trust in God He will prevail. He says to trust in His promises and he will show you His desires. His desires might not be what we think they are. He might surprise you with great joy or He might spring up sad moments to open our hearts and bring us back to him. He is full of surprises and I can't wait to see what the next surprise is because His surprises are way better than I could have ever imagined.

I love watching God work in crazy, sad, wonderful ways! I've often wondered why God doesn't use me more, or why I still wrestle with thoughts of worthlessness, because I know I am not worthless and that is Satan attacking me in my weak moments. He knows just where to get me too! But can I tell you a secret, sometimes I cave into those thoughts and it just pushes me down. I have been so busy lately which is my fault that I have let things slide, like spending time with God, reading his word, praising his name. Because I let these things slide Satan has used this against me telling me that I'm not the Christian I should be. Well Satan your right. I'm not the Christian I should be and guess what??? The Lord still loves me and cherishes me and we are growing in our relationship every day. He is always with me telling my heart to not listen to you, but to listen to my heart that tells me I a loved, and yea I should spend more time with the Lord, trust God lets me know this to, but in a way that is with love and grace. When I'm in the car listening to the radio, I still hear, turn the radio off and talk to me. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I turn the radio up louder. For that Lord, I am sorry. I know I need to be still and really listen. Help me to be still and rest in your love. God you show me every waking moment your wonderful grace!! I love you, Lord with all my heart and with all the strength that is in me!

He is...

Lord, take me as I am.
A crazy selfish person in this human form you gave me.
Trust Him.
He is in control.
Make him famous.
He always keeps his promises.
Expect big things from him.
He will never disappoint.
He amazes.
He saves.
Be still and know that I am God.
He is strong when we are weak.
He will guide in the right direction.
He will never leave us.
We are never alone with Him in our hearts.
He is the Creator.
He is an artist.
He holds the future.
He makes us happy.
He knows our desires.
He will give us our desires.
HE LOVES US!!!!!!!

Valentines Day!! :)

I think I have pushed myself into my work and kept myself so busy because I hate this women I have become. All I do is work lately and lets face it I do need the money but at the same time I hate seeing myself pushed around and shoved because on my days off which happen to usually be Sundays I don't want to go to church because I just want a day to stay in my PJs and doing nothing, but then the guilt comes into play. Because I know I need to go to church that is where my foundation is, that is where part of my strength comes from. Being around other christians worshiping the same Jesus is one of the greatest feelings of my life. And then I have my friends who also play into the guilt factor and it just sucks. God says for us to rest, but do I rest at the expense of not getting my hungry soul fed. I listen to online sermons, which today's happened to make me cry, but I know I need to be with others and not alone. I hate that my church is to far away and I use that as an excuse, but the truth is and I hope no one really reads this today, is I want to find a church where I immediately feel at home at. I'm hoping the new church in O'Fallon will be just that. I'm so sick of this woman that I am and I want to change her. I want her to be more God focused and not rely on myself so much. I want to get out and really enjoy life and I can't do that if I keep pushing myself to the limit, but I don't know how to do that. I know I can't quit my job because I need the money to pay bills, but I really miss my weekends and weeknights.

God, please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm struggling here and I go through this struggle a lot. What do you want from me?? I know I'm in this great waiting period, but seriously!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so done!!! Lord you have given me so much to be blessed and thankful for and again here I am complaining. I hate feeling this wait and I hate complaining and worrying for one I know its a sin and I'm sorry so sorry. I want my life to begin and I want your plan for my life to finally surface because right now if this is your plan for my life, its ok, but not great!! I want to be loved and focused on you!!! I fully trust you with my life. Lord, give me strength to wake up every morning totally surrendered to your will, show me what that will is, guide and direct and build up my heart and soul to reassurence of your unfailing love. Help to realize you don't need me for your plan, but you want to use me. I love you, Lord so much, you know that right? I know that sometimes I feel alone, but at the same time I know that I am not alone, you are right there anytime ready to show yourself!! I need you Lord!! My one true love wrapping his arms around once more and giving me the strength to say Hello World!!! :) I'm so thankful to have the greatest love of all in my heart loving me every moment of the day. So with that Lord, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! :)

Act :)

Have you ever had a sermon knock your socks of?? Well today while balancing spreadsheets at work and listening to Andy Stanley's latest sermon it knocked me the core. He was talking about how sometimes we hide behind our prayers. God does say to pray, but sometimes he says to act. Andy said something that shook me. God doesn't repeat himself. He has spoken. His word speaks about everything we struggle with. He talks about sex before marriage. He says DON'T do it. He talks about worry…He says DO NOT WORRY. He talks about fear… He says "Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." James 1:9. He talks about our finances and what we should do with them. So if God says do it, then we should do it. It is so much easier said than done this I know. I need to start taking responsibility for my life. I need to start standing and doing something and yet as I'm writing and this and I'm shaking with fear because to start standing and acting is totally out of my comfort zone. I need to start getting off my knees and acting. I'm realizing I really do hide behind my prayers. I love to pray and talk to God, but maybe I need to stop talking to him and start acting towards him. I mean I will still talk to him because if I didn't have that conversation with him my life would crumble, but I need to start standing firm in my faith. I wonder if God really does get tired of reminding of the same stuff everyday that sometimes he ignores us for a little while until we get the point on our own. He is in control. He has already told us what we need to know and do. We just have to act and start trusting and standing firm in what He says. I wonder what God has in store for this year because I can feel things stirring strong and my eyes, ears, and heart are open so much wider this year. I know I am not perfect in anyways trust me.. I'm not. I struggle with so much inward quilt and a little anger that God and I are still working through!

Saturday I took a little soul searching day. I woke up with the need to get close to God so I read, fasted, slept, cleaned, read, laundry, read, sat on the couch and just thought and prayed, and read some more. I didn't turn the TV or computer on until like 10 at night and you know what I found out… I'm crazy! :) jk no I found that being still and learning and opening my heart to God is truly amazing how he reveals himself. Negative thoughts kept popping into my head all day and I know that was just my inward guilt eating at me and telling me I should lose myself in TV because that is better than what reality has in store and you know what I told that guilt…shut up… God has me wrapped in his arms and loving me!! He wants me to start being who I truly am!

White As Snow

I am sitting in my living room with all the lights out (except the computer screen) watching the snow falling to the ground. As much as I really hate snow, it really is beautiful. I think it is God's way of reminding us to be still. Our lives are so chaotic with running from place to place that God puts in "Snow Days". The whole world seems so quiet when it snows. I've been told that I'm weird because I love quiet. I love finding a comfortable place to just sit, whether it is my living room or outside when it is warm. I love to sit and be still. I love to have no distractions and just let my thoughts roam and wonder. It helps me figure out what is wrong and really listen to what I need to hear. My sister tells me she can't stand the quiet because it makes her think. I'm like duh!! It's suppose to. God wants us to be still. He tell us to. "Be Still and know that I am God". He wants us to relish in the fact that He is GOD!! He is magical. He can use these little snowflakes and turn a whole countryside into white glistening beauty.

In our bible study we were challenged to really listen and watch what we take in. So today I really listened and you know what I found out. Not very biblical worldview. I found myself listening to gossip, feeling jealousy because I think someone has a better life than me, pride in my work, are only a few of the craziness wrapped into one day. I really need to need put on my Jesus goggles and focus on what is right and really need to start bringing my biblical worldview into my everyday world!!! :) I need to wake up tomorrow morning and pray that all the snow is off the roads so I can go into work with a new and fresh look at reality.

On a side note for anyone reading this... please pray for a co-worker of mine who's dad is not doing so good and is getting some tests done that might end with the dreadful Cancer word, and pray for a friend of mine who looking for a new job to expand her work experience, for a friend who is battling the dumb cancer and is fighting strong!! and please pray for a friend who struggling with the lost of a loved one and who is fighting everyday to wake up the morning and getting through the day. Lord, I know you hold all of us in your hands and for that I am so grateful because we are a lost world without you. Give strength to those who need strength, and rest to those who need rest. Encourage us to be alive for you and to let your world view shine through. I Love you, Lord so much In Jesus name Amen.

A new Year, New Beginnings

Well to start off the new Year we were in Atlanta celebrating Jesus with 22,000 students. Lets just say being there in that arena was probably the closest thing to Heaven here on earth until next year of course with 60,000 students! But when our captain told us this was might be the closest thing to Heaven and that we should celebrate in that fact. I did celebrate and now as I am thinking about it almost three weeks later I have tears in my eyes because that was magical! When we are with Passion I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time and I never want to leave it and sometimes it doesn't seem real because of all the emotion and amazing things that happen and the happiness that surrounds that weekend. It is totally of God. I sometimes feel like all the worldly stuff is gone for a few days and Jesus is so alive in that place. It just amazing!! When we left I kinda felt I left this family behind and I have to start fresh and keep Jesus alive in my soul, but being back in what I call the "real world" is tough with all these temptations on every corner and people don't talk about Jesus on a daily basis and I feel like I have to guard my heart. It's sad because I want that little piece of Heaven everyday and some days I get it, and some days I can't seem to even find where Heaven is.

I sometimes lose myself in these imaginary worlds that leave me feeling so happy and then I come back to reality and I realize I'm not really that happy you know. These imaginary worlds are just that imaginary and selfish and full of pride and I know I need to live in reality more often. Reality is so hard to deal with sometimes. It hurts, It's sad, It's painful. There is so much devastation in this world that I know if I just close my eyes I will be in a place that is happy. I know I sound a little crazy and hey maybe I am, but I do know one thing I need to step out of my world and into this wonderful reality that Jesus has created for us. I need to cut back on what I put into my brain. I need to say no to TV and say yes to THE BIBLE!!! I need to start taking time out of my day and focus on what is really important JESUS!!!!

We are starting a new bible study at our church called Wide Angle which is perfect because I would so love a wide angle lens!! :) What I want to get out of this bible study is a new world view!! I want to view the world differently and I want my brain to be re-directed and recharged. I am going to try and blog more this year during this bible study. I don't know why but when I write I feel better and it helps me focus so I'm lets see what happens!!

LET THE FUTURE BEGIN!!! :)