Monday, October 17, 2011

Just Blogging

I'm in the mood to blog. Lately life has had its ups & downs, more downs than ups I gotta say. Over the past few months I have become bitter towards life. I've just become not positive. I don't know why. I just feel stuck in this place called earth and I really just want to be in Heaven. I feel so wrapped up in this life of feeling like a hypocrite. People have this idea of me that I'm this happy go lucky "unicorns and rainbows" personality, but that isn't all me. I have my days where I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there and lately I've found myself cursing, not just at the haunted house, but when I’m by myself in the car and I'm so mad, I curse. Crazy I know those who know me are like what??? But guess what? I'm human with lots of faults. I'm just so sick of pretending to be happy all the time. I'm so sick of pretending that my life is so great, don't get me wrong, I love my life and the memories I've shared, but right now it just feels so not worth it. It seems like everywhere I turn lately I see a happy couple, family or hear great news about my friends being pregnant for the second time, not just their first ones now but the second. I see younger people getting married and starting families. I see elderly couples still holding hands and I'm so jealous it sucks, and therefore I've become really bitter toward love. When a love song comes on the radio, I turn it. When they talk about marriage at church I find myself rolling my eyes and saying to God, "Not again, Lord. Don't they know not everyone is married." I know it is families that keep churches going, but I get so sick and tired of hearing how you can make your marriage better. I want to know what my life is about. I want to know why I'm still waiting. I want to know why I feel so alone. I think last night was the last straw. I was sitting there watching the Cardinals win the game to put them in the World Series by myself for the 3rd time (04,06 &11). THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that's why I don't care if they win or lose is because I know I'll be probably watching the games by myself and again THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing like wanting to jump and down and go crazy and then you realize you are alone.

I don't want to be so bitter. I know how great life is with God in the center and I'm trying so hard to focus my heart on him, but right now He doesn't feel very close to me. I think it's because I'm a little mad at him. I love Him, but I'm mad at him. I never thought I would be at this place in my life. I just want to feel!!!! I want to feel Him so close to me it makes me smile! I want to feel!!! I found myself reading and reading and reading more of his words, and its funny when the words scream off of the pages at me. I love that so I know God is still talking to me and reassuring me He loves me. I know this. Which is why I'm writing this. I will love him through this waiting period. I will love him when I'm so mad with tears rolling down my eyes and I'm screaming WHY??? I will love him when I'm alone watching a comedy on TV and watching the baseball games. I will love Him no matter what happens. He is in control. He is the reason I wake up every morning. He is the reason I pick up my camera. He is the reason I have a two jobs. He has given me so much to be thankful for and I hate that I’m so jealous of those who have what I think I want. I hate being jealous. It is not a fun feeling and just wrong. God says to not covet and yet here I am writing about how I am. But I feel like I have to be honest with myself. I have to write it on paper and get it out there. I have to look myself in the mirror in the morning and ask for forgiveness. I have to remind myself that God loves me and does have a plan for me.

I have watched myself grow into this woman who someday I love, but someday I want to strangle her because she can be so much better. I go through a lot of the same emotions over and over again and I want to break that habit. I want to be set free. I want to be the woman I love. I want to be the woman that will someday her husband will be proud of. I want to be the woman who loves Christ so much that the world will know who is the center of her universe. I want to be happy! I want to feel! I want to be set free.

Lord, free my soul of all this bitterness that I have. Free my soul of all this jealousy that I have built up in my heart. Free my soul!! I love you, Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.