Stars

Tonight I actually looked up at the stars for the first time in a very long time and I was brought to tears because I had a realization that I am loved by the one who made those stars.

Thats it for tonight! :) short and sweet.

Be Strong and Courageous

Did you know that in Joshua Chapter One it states "Be Strong and Courageous" four times, ten times overall in the whole bible? I've learned that if God repeats something in His word over and over again it is because He is trying to tell you something. To think out of only 18 verses this is mentioned four times. I think God wants us to be strong and courageous. I love how when God wants to get his point across He does have to repeat himself. He must have known us humans are forgetful. We have to be reminded over and over again how we are loved and cherished. How we need to not fear because He is control. How we are forgiven and have been given grace. He know us all to well!!

I also learned that Joshua the name means "The Lord Saves." That would be cool to have that meaning because then you already know going into life, that the Lord has already saved you. Michelle means "One is who is like the Lord" and Cathleen means "Pure." When I first found out what my name meant I'm not going to lie...it scared me. One who is like the Lord? That is so not me. I'm far from it! Now Cathleen that one I get, that one makes since. God says he knows our names before we are even thought of. I did some research and looked up people's names, like my sister. Her name means "honeybee" and it is so her because the woman never stops going. She is like the energizer bunny! I want her energy! It really is cool to see where our names come from and what they mean because God gave us those names for a reason even if we don't get it. I do wander about the famous people with their weird names like Apple... why did God give them those names? A question I will ask him someday.

I'm studying Joshua right now and really digging into the history and trying to really grasp what it is God wants us to get out of it. I'm reading An Introduction to the Old Testament Historical Books by David M. Howard Jr., and so far I find it interesting and confusing. I'm not used to actually reading school books so this is a new step for me. I started this once, but gave up because it got hard, this time however, I'm going to try my hardest to not give up. I want to dig into the word with everything I got. I pray that I will gain understanding of these pages and see what God is showing me through them along with the 40 Days in the Word bible study our church is doing right.

:)

Take Control

Lord, take control over my life. Open my heart to your heart. Open my eyes to you see your will for my life. You are in control and I want my life in your hands, not mine. Yours are perfect, mine are covered in sin. Take my life and use it for your will. I can't get through this life without you. I need you, Lord and I will not be afraid of what the future holds because I know without a doubt that you are the savior and the rescuer. I know the next few months are not going to be easy and I pray that you will give strength and encouragement when needed. I pray that you will send Love down here and will restore. I pray that you will use this craziness for your will. I pray that you will use us to show Love, mercy and grace. I can't do this alone!! I need you, Lord. We need you! Please take control and guide us through.

I love you Jesus more than anything!!!

In Jesus name,
Amen

Bored on a Friday Night!!!!

What does one do on a Friday night by herself when trying to avoid the treadmill!! I photograph and watch TV!!! I gotta say this was the first time I picked up my camera since January 2nd and it felt pretty great. I'm sitting on the couch right now staring at the treadmill and decided to blog to avoid it. Don't worry when I get done with this awesome blog entry I will be getting on the evil contraption!! It will become my friend before this evening is over with. It is a good thing I have plans for the rest of this 3 day weekend or else I feel sorry for all my friends because when I'm bored I do some dumb stuff like take photos of remote controls! :) And I wonder why I feel chunky...it couldn't be because of a McChicken from McDonalds or my blogging instead of working out. I need my coach dog! This is I think the weirdest blog entry and for that I'm sorry, but I hope I made you laugh!! :)

Valentine's Day

Today was the best Valentine's Day I think I have ever had. It started off rocky but ended awesome! When I got to work I had a reeses sitting at my desk, which let's face it when you work at an office that is exciting to see! Work went by slow, but then I met up with Melissa and Angie and we went to dinner at 54Th Street Grill (which the food is delicious!). While we were sitting there laughing and talking Melissa noticed a lady sitting by herself. Being Valentine's Day we immediately thought "how sad" and started making up stories as to why she was there by herself like she got stood up or just wanted good food and some other crazy stories I can't remember. I was with Angie and that girl has an imagination, we even thought maybe she was having a date with God. This lady was an older lady wearing red, but even though she was sitting by herself she was smiling. She seemed perfectly content sitting by herself in a crowded restaurant. I wish I had that kind of confidence. Anyways, as we were leaving we talking about how we would never know how the rest of her evening went or so we thought. We went to this new church because they were having a singles discussion session and thought what better way as singles on Valentine's Day to spend our evening than in church with other singles. When we got there guess who was there...that's right the lady from the restaurant. We figured out why she was smiling. She has the greatest love of all, she has found her prince charming and his name is JESUS CHRIST!! She was content being alone on Valentine's Day, and carrying it with a smile. She gets it! I hope someday when we are in heaven we will get to share with her how awesome she made our Valentine's Day!!!

I am so blessed that God has given me a wonderful family and today I am so thankful that He gave me Melissa & Angie. When the three of us are together it is never boring. We get each other and laugh and are just plain crazy. They are there for me when no one else is, even when this girl always chooses the bathroom stall that is always out of toilet paper, they are there to rescue me. So for them two I want to thank you for being the other two our crazy Three Musketeers!!!

Prayer

Ok, God I get it! :) I've held on this idol to long and need to let it go. My future husband. I placed him as an idol and I'm sorry. I always thought I needed this person to save and rescue me. That once I found him, I would be great. That life would be happily ever after. So I placed this perfect imaginary husband up on a pedistal. Well, Lord it is so time to knock him down and not just knock, push and shove him to the ground. I've placed myself in this pit of jealousy, anger and bitterness that I really thought you would bring my future husband into my life to rescue me. What on earth was I thinking? I mean seriously. What was I thinking? Only you can save me from this pit I'm in. Only you can search my soul and heal and give me the thirst I long for. Only you can save me! I love you, Lord and thank you so much for bringing this to my attention because through your help I can see the light through the darkness. I don't want to be alone anymore and I don't want to see myself go through this pit again. I need you! I trust you! HELP ME!! I can't make any promises because I'm human and I will fail, but by golly I'm going to try stand on the ROCK of SALVATION and GRACE and we will get through this together! This is my prayer to you Lord. I need you and I love you! In Jesus Name AMEN.

Just Blogging

I'm in the mood to blog. Lately life has had its ups & downs, more downs than ups I gotta say. Over the past few months I have become bitter towards life. I've just become not positive. I don't know why. I just feel stuck in this place called earth and I really just want to be in Heaven. I feel so wrapped up in this life of feeling like a hypocrite. People have this idea of me that I'm this happy go lucky "unicorns and rainbows" personality, but that isn't all me. I have my days where I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there and lately I've found myself cursing, not just at the haunted house, but when I’m by myself in the car and I'm so mad, I curse. Crazy I know those who know me are like what??? But guess what? I'm human with lots of faults. I'm just so sick of pretending to be happy all the time. I'm so sick of pretending that my life is so great, don't get me wrong, I love my life and the memories I've shared, but right now it just feels so not worth it. It seems like everywhere I turn lately I see a happy couple, family or hear great news about my friends being pregnant for the second time, not just their first ones now but the second. I see younger people getting married and starting families. I see elderly couples still holding hands and I'm so jealous it sucks, and therefore I've become really bitter toward love. When a love song comes on the radio, I turn it. When they talk about marriage at church I find myself rolling my eyes and saying to God, "Not again, Lord. Don't they know not everyone is married." I know it is families that keep churches going, but I get so sick and tired of hearing how you can make your marriage better. I want to know what my life is about. I want to know why I'm still waiting. I want to know why I feel so alone. I think last night was the last straw. I was sitting there watching the Cardinals win the game to put them in the World Series by myself for the 3rd time (04,06 &11). THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that's why I don't care if they win or lose is because I know I'll be probably watching the games by myself and again THAT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing like wanting to jump and down and go crazy and then you realize you are alone.

I don't want to be so bitter. I know how great life is with God in the center and I'm trying so hard to focus my heart on him, but right now He doesn't feel very close to me. I think it's because I'm a little mad at him. I love Him, but I'm mad at him. I never thought I would be at this place in my life. I just want to feel!!!! I want to feel Him so close to me it makes me smile! I want to feel!!! I found myself reading and reading and reading more of his words, and its funny when the words scream off of the pages at me. I love that so I know God is still talking to me and reassuring me He loves me. I know this. Which is why I'm writing this. I will love him through this waiting period. I will love him when I'm so mad with tears rolling down my eyes and I'm screaming WHY??? I will love him when I'm alone watching a comedy on TV and watching the baseball games. I will love Him no matter what happens. He is in control. He is the reason I wake up every morning. He is the reason I pick up my camera. He is the reason I have a two jobs. He has given me so much to be thankful for and I hate that I’m so jealous of those who have what I think I want. I hate being jealous. It is not a fun feeling and just wrong. God says to not covet and yet here I am writing about how I am. But I feel like I have to be honest with myself. I have to write it on paper and get it out there. I have to look myself in the mirror in the morning and ask for forgiveness. I have to remind myself that God loves me and does have a plan for me.

I have watched myself grow into this woman who someday I love, but someday I want to strangle her because she can be so much better. I go through a lot of the same emotions over and over again and I want to break that habit. I want to be set free. I want to be the woman I love. I want to be the woman that will someday her husband will be proud of. I want to be the woman who loves Christ so much that the world will know who is the center of her universe. I want to be happy! I want to feel! I want to be set free.

Lord, free my soul of all this bitterness that I have. Free my soul of all this jealousy that I have built up in my heart. Free my soul!! I love you, Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.