Valentines Day!! :)

I think I have pushed myself into my work and kept myself so busy because I hate this women I have become. All I do is work lately and lets face it I do need the money but at the same time I hate seeing myself pushed around and shoved because on my days off which happen to usually be Sundays I don't want to go to church because I just want a day to stay in my PJs and doing nothing, but then the guilt comes into play. Because I know I need to go to church that is where my foundation is, that is where part of my strength comes from. Being around other christians worshiping the same Jesus is one of the greatest feelings of my life. And then I have my friends who also play into the guilt factor and it just sucks. God says for us to rest, but do I rest at the expense of not getting my hungry soul fed. I listen to online sermons, which today's happened to make me cry, but I know I need to be with others and not alone. I hate that my church is to far away and I use that as an excuse, but the truth is and I hope no one really reads this today, is I want to find a church where I immediately feel at home at. I'm hoping the new church in O'Fallon will be just that. I'm so sick of this woman that I am and I want to change her. I want her to be more God focused and not rely on myself so much. I want to get out and really enjoy life and I can't do that if I keep pushing myself to the limit, but I don't know how to do that. I know I can't quit my job because I need the money to pay bills, but I really miss my weekends and weeknights.

God, please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm struggling here and I go through this struggle a lot. What do you want from me?? I know I'm in this great waiting period, but seriously!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so done!!! Lord you have given me so much to be blessed and thankful for and again here I am complaining. I hate feeling this wait and I hate complaining and worrying for one I know its a sin and I'm sorry so sorry. I want my life to begin and I want your plan for my life to finally surface because right now if this is your plan for my life, its ok, but not great!! I want to be loved and focused on you!!! I fully trust you with my life. Lord, give me strength to wake up every morning totally surrendered to your will, show me what that will is, guide and direct and build up my heart and soul to reassurence of your unfailing love. Help to realize you don't need me for your plan, but you want to use me. I love you, Lord so much, you know that right? I know that sometimes I feel alone, but at the same time I know that I am not alone, you are right there anytime ready to show yourself!! I need you Lord!! My one true love wrapping his arms around once more and giving me the strength to say Hello World!!! :) I'm so thankful to have the greatest love of all in my heart loving me every moment of the day. So with that Lord, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! :)

Act :)

Have you ever had a sermon knock your socks of?? Well today while balancing spreadsheets at work and listening to Andy Stanley's latest sermon it knocked me the core. He was talking about how sometimes we hide behind our prayers. God does say to pray, but sometimes he says to act. Andy said something that shook me. God doesn't repeat himself. He has spoken. His word speaks about everything we struggle with. He talks about sex before marriage. He says DON'T do it. He talks about worry…He says DO NOT WORRY. He talks about fear… He says "Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." James 1:9. He talks about our finances and what we should do with them. So if God says do it, then we should do it. It is so much easier said than done this I know. I need to start taking responsibility for my life. I need to start standing and doing something and yet as I'm writing and this and I'm shaking with fear because to start standing and acting is totally out of my comfort zone. I need to start getting off my knees and acting. I'm realizing I really do hide behind my prayers. I love to pray and talk to God, but maybe I need to stop talking to him and start acting towards him. I mean I will still talk to him because if I didn't have that conversation with him my life would crumble, but I need to start standing firm in my faith. I wonder if God really does get tired of reminding of the same stuff everyday that sometimes he ignores us for a little while until we get the point on our own. He is in control. He has already told us what we need to know and do. We just have to act and start trusting and standing firm in what He says. I wonder what God has in store for this year because I can feel things stirring strong and my eyes, ears, and heart are open so much wider this year. I know I am not perfect in anyways trust me.. I'm not. I struggle with so much inward quilt and a little anger that God and I are still working through!

Saturday I took a little soul searching day. I woke up with the need to get close to God so I read, fasted, slept, cleaned, read, laundry, read, sat on the couch and just thought and prayed, and read some more. I didn't turn the TV or computer on until like 10 at night and you know what I found out… I'm crazy! :) jk no I found that being still and learning and opening my heart to God is truly amazing how he reveals himself. Negative thoughts kept popping into my head all day and I know that was just my inward guilt eating at me and telling me I should lose myself in TV because that is better than what reality has in store and you know what I told that guilt…shut up… God has me wrapped in his arms and loving me!! He wants me to start being who I truly am!

White As Snow

I am sitting in my living room with all the lights out (except the computer screen) watching the snow falling to the ground. As much as I really hate snow, it really is beautiful. I think it is God's way of reminding us to be still. Our lives are so chaotic with running from place to place that God puts in "Snow Days". The whole world seems so quiet when it snows. I've been told that I'm weird because I love quiet. I love finding a comfortable place to just sit, whether it is my living room or outside when it is warm. I love to sit and be still. I love to have no distractions and just let my thoughts roam and wonder. It helps me figure out what is wrong and really listen to what I need to hear. My sister tells me she can't stand the quiet because it makes her think. I'm like duh!! It's suppose to. God wants us to be still. He tell us to. "Be Still and know that I am God". He wants us to relish in the fact that He is GOD!! He is magical. He can use these little snowflakes and turn a whole countryside into white glistening beauty.

In our bible study we were challenged to really listen and watch what we take in. So today I really listened and you know what I found out. Not very biblical worldview. I found myself listening to gossip, feeling jealousy because I think someone has a better life than me, pride in my work, are only a few of the craziness wrapped into one day. I really need to need put on my Jesus goggles and focus on what is right and really need to start bringing my biblical worldview into my everyday world!!! :) I need to wake up tomorrow morning and pray that all the snow is off the roads so I can go into work with a new and fresh look at reality.

On a side note for anyone reading this... please pray for a co-worker of mine who's dad is not doing so good and is getting some tests done that might end with the dreadful Cancer word, and pray for a friend of mine who looking for a new job to expand her work experience, for a friend who is battling the dumb cancer and is fighting strong!! and please pray for a friend who struggling with the lost of a loved one and who is fighting everyday to wake up the morning and getting through the day. Lord, I know you hold all of us in your hands and for that I am so grateful because we are a lost world without you. Give strength to those who need strength, and rest to those who need rest. Encourage us to be alive for you and to let your world view shine through. I Love you, Lord so much In Jesus name Amen.

A new Year, New Beginnings

Well to start off the new Year we were in Atlanta celebrating Jesus with 22,000 students. Lets just say being there in that arena was probably the closest thing to Heaven here on earth until next year of course with 60,000 students! But when our captain told us this was might be the closest thing to Heaven and that we should celebrate in that fact. I did celebrate and now as I am thinking about it almost three weeks later I have tears in my eyes because that was magical! When we are with Passion I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time and I never want to leave it and sometimes it doesn't seem real because of all the emotion and amazing things that happen and the happiness that surrounds that weekend. It is totally of God. I sometimes feel like all the worldly stuff is gone for a few days and Jesus is so alive in that place. It just amazing!! When we left I kinda felt I left this family behind and I have to start fresh and keep Jesus alive in my soul, but being back in what I call the "real world" is tough with all these temptations on every corner and people don't talk about Jesus on a daily basis and I feel like I have to guard my heart. It's sad because I want that little piece of Heaven everyday and some days I get it, and some days I can't seem to even find where Heaven is.

I sometimes lose myself in these imaginary worlds that leave me feeling so happy and then I come back to reality and I realize I'm not really that happy you know. These imaginary worlds are just that imaginary and selfish and full of pride and I know I need to live in reality more often. Reality is so hard to deal with sometimes. It hurts, It's sad, It's painful. There is so much devastation in this world that I know if I just close my eyes I will be in a place that is happy. I know I sound a little crazy and hey maybe I am, but I do know one thing I need to step out of my world and into this wonderful reality that Jesus has created for us. I need to cut back on what I put into my brain. I need to say no to TV and say yes to THE BIBLE!!! I need to start taking time out of my day and focus on what is really important JESUS!!!!

We are starting a new bible study at our church called Wide Angle which is perfect because I would so love a wide angle lens!! :) What I want to get out of this bible study is a new world view!! I want to view the world differently and I want my brain to be re-directed and recharged. I am going to try and blog more this year during this bible study. I don't know why but when I write I feel better and it helps me focus so I'm lets see what happens!!

LET THE FUTURE BEGIN!!! :)

It has been a long time since I've just wrote so I thought I would try again and see what happens.

This past couple of months have been whirlwind. I don't even know where to begin. I've learned that when you give 10 percent God really does come through for ya!! I've also learned to really trust in the Lord and watch him at work. Even in all the chaos and bad news and heartache and sadness, God is in Control!! He has control over every situation. I've been watching another mom go through one of the most horrible things a parent has to go through, watching their son go home to the Lord. I've watched this 8 years ago and I'm watching it all over again. It breaks my heart, but I'm inspired by these Moms!! Even though they are feeling feelings I can't even imagine and the heartache they are going through has to be one of the worst heartaches imaginable, they still remain the strongest women I know. I am so glad that these women have been placed in my life to show me how to laugh through the heartache, and to remember all the little moments in life that seem to pass us by.

I've often wondered why God uses this time of year to bring so much heartache, but it's this time of year that we usually draw us closer to the Lord because we are reminded of why He was born. He chose to be born!! He knew what his life would contain and He still chose to be born. He knew he would live a short life, but what a short life that was!!!!! I look at Danny, Lisa, and Noah's life and even though they were here for such a short time their lives have touched so many people and most stories haven't even been told yet. They have shown us how to smile, dance, sing, and remember the moments in life that really matter!!

This time year is not about the gifts, its about the moments!! My favorite moments this time of year are shopping with my dad for my mom's gift and how fast he goes into a store finds what he wants and gets it and then afterwards we have dinner! Its about hanging out it with mom as she shops for her friends gifts, she's a perfectionist and takes her time finding the perfect gifts. This year so far the greatest moment has been me and Mel decorating our tree and laughing hysterically because we don't know how to do lights!! I love Christmas breakfast with my family, especially the preparing of it!! My mom telling my dad to get out of the kitchen and let her cook, and my dad joking with her that she is going to burn the biscuits again! She does this almost every year!! I love these moments!

This year has been a true blessing! I have so many things to be thankful for! Right now I'm watching Merry Me on lifetime and its about a girl who wants the fairytale! and I think I'm having the fairytale. This year has had a lot of laughs, tears, learning, and watching God at work!!! :)

I want to say thank you to everyone who my life has stood by my side through everything! Attached are photos of my favorite people in the whole wide world!!!

As I am writing this I just found out that Noah has finally found peace and is up in Heaven celebrating with Jesus!!! I love you Noah and thanks for the dance!!!
I love you all,
Michelle

Awesome Weekend

It has been so long since I have blogged so I thought I would share some of my thoughts over the past weekend. This weekend I got to celebrate with some friends. Jean got married on Saturday and it was by far one of the most beautiful weddings I have got to witness!! Jean's family is so special. They have this way of when you walk into their home you feel like family! You feel like you belong and you can feel the presence of their Love for each other and the Lord. Steve is one lucky guy to be joining a family so special and to have Jean has his wife. Their love for each other shined throughout the whole day! I am so glad that I got to witness their day!! I didn't think I could afford to go up there but God made it happen!!

I love spending time with Jean & Crystal they refresh my photography brain and encourage me to learn more. They are my teachers! Crystal and I got to go back to where it all began, Turners Falls, MA and remember the Hallmark days! I got to see my landlords and it was cool to be back at the placed I lived for ten months and really grew up! It's hard to believe it was five years ago that I signed that wall in the basement and now here I am! I am so blessed with the opportunities and experiences that I have got to be apart of. The Lord has really shown me a lot in the past five years and my love for him as grown through each struggle, stress, happiness, and with each laugh and tear it has been so worthwhile!! :)

Crystal and I got to drive all over New England! We started out in Hartford, CT. Stayed in Vermont and traveled up to Portsmouth NH (which do not have good signs for highways at all!! Spent an hour circling to find the highway we needed!). They we headed up coast and Kittery, Maine and York, Maine where we got walk on the beach and best of all got to swing while the moon was coming over the ocean!! It was a beautiful to watch God's masterpiece at work! I love the ocean so much, the sound of the waves and the sand in your toes!! I love you, Lord and thanks so much for making this vacation happen! You know I need the rest and good old fashion friends to inspire, encourage, and laugh with! I love you, Lord!

I posted some photos from the trip so mainly tomorrow at work I can show the girls!!! :)

Humble Heart!

In humility humble your heart and soul. Humble yourself and God will lift you up. He has freed us and all we have to do is humble our hearts to the feet of the cross. Get on your knees and truly humble your heart. I have found out that when you drop to your knees and really talk with God it truly brings peace. Try it, and you will find out that when you truly give it all to God you will get the greatest peace. Decrease yourself and lower yourself before the one who created you! Its funny how hard it is to drop to you knees. We so think we can handle it on our own and besides getting on your knees just sounds dumb! Then I tried it and since then I sometimes still find it tough to truly humble myself but when I do I get this greatest since of comfort in knowing that Christ really has in under control.

He knows what is happening tomorrow. He knows what will happen in ten seconds from now. He holds life in his hands and he knows when we will die, but in the mean time we need to be alive in Christ. We should make fools of ourselves for Christ! If you want to dance, dance. If you want to sing, sing. If you want to jump up and down and go crazy, Go For IT! We are young in spirit no matter how old we are. It is ok to be silly and have fun with life. While you are going crazy, do it for Jesus! Whatever you are doing with your life do it for the Jesus! Life's meaning is wrapped in Christ and therefore our lives should show that!! Life may throw you curve balls and seem insane and guess what we might lose some of our battles, but who cares! God is the winner. We might feel like losers, but guess what when we give it all to the Lord, He is the winner and therefore, we are the winners.